What to do when your male friend is sexually assaulted

STUDENT STORIES

“My best friend in college was assaulted at the first college social event we ever went to. Hardly anyone knows, and few believe it because he’s male. But I helped him through that trauma. I know how hard it was for him to recover.” —Male third-year undergraduate, University of California, Los Angeles

“As a freshman, a girl forced herself on me. I only remembered being groped and kissed and then carried away by friends. At the time, I was in a serious and committed long-distance relationship, and the aftermath destroyed that. My partner blamed me and alcohol.” —Male second-year graduate student, Johns Hopkins University, Maryland

UNDERGRADUATE EXPERIENCES

“In my first semester as a freshmen, a drunk friend insisted I walk her and her friend home. I did, to ensure nothing bad happened to them. When I got in the house they wouldn’t let go of me. They took me to the bedroom and locked the door, and my friend pulled me onto the bed. She covered my mouth and touched me inappropriately. I had no sexual attraction to either of these females. I struggled and ran outside. The next time I saw them they had no recognition of what had happened.” —Male second-year undergraduate, University of New Mexico

“I was part of a sports team at my high school, trying to be a normal teenager. One late night after practice they stripped me naked. Each guy took their turn forcing me to do things I did not want to do. �You’re gay so you must be liking it,’ they said.

“Although someone might not understand what you’re going through, you need to tell someone. To the people who are trying to help those who have been victims, be an open hand, a shoulder to cry on. The only reason I can wake from the nightmare is because I took it upon myself to charge every single one of them.” —Male undergraduate, University of New Brunswick

HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCES

“I was raped when I was a freshman in high school. I’ve only told a handful of people, none of them a therapist or my family. My ex-girlfriend asked if she could use my story anonymously for her graduation project; she worked with a local counseling and crisis center to create a more welcoming environment for men. I have never told another male about what happened. I don’t think I’d get support or understanding from many of them, or even from a majority of society. It is still taboo and it challenges preconceived ideas of masculinity.” —Male second-year undergraduate, Towson University, Maryland

“When I was 25, post-undergrad, I was sexually assaulted by another male who was previously a good friend. Lots of alcohol was involved, and in the moment I chose to act like it wasn’t happening as opposed to retaliating and trying to kill him. It took me almost two years to come to terms with it, and I still feel like the few people who I told sort of wrote it off because I’m male. I wrote a paper on the underreporting of child sexual abuse in male victims last year. This has to change.” —Male second-year graduate student, University of Kansas

POST-GRAD EXPERIENCES

“A male friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a woman at an academic conference in grad school. They were both drinking and flirting. She invited him back to her hotel room and sort of attacked him. I don’t think he ever reported it. I felt terrible when I heard what had happened. There are so many myths about rape. Men and boys are supposed to be always into sex. But everyone should be able to choose when they want to have sex, regardless of their gender.” —Female fourth-year graduate student, Northern Illinois University

“I was sexually abused as a child by my grandfather. I never told—I locked the memories away in a deep, dark corner of my mind. They didn’t come forward again until after I learned that my younger brother was being molested. I didn’t believe it at first. Why didn’t he tell? We tell our boys that men don’t cry, men can’t be hurt. Those are two big, black lies. Even though my brother was very young, he believed those lies and remained a silent victim. I admire those men who do speak up. As a society, we need to learn that it’s OK to not pretend to be invincible.” —Female undergraduate, Utah State University

CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES

“I was sexually assaulted when I was in a foster home by the caregiver. Her husband was gone (truck driver) and she took advantage of me. I was 13-years-old at the time and unsure of what was going on. But then I tried to report it and was told it was all a fantasy.” —Student, Indian Hills Community College, Iowa

“As survivors, we need to hear that it’s not our fault and not be accused of lying when we share such a painful experience. In addition, it is important to apply an intersectional approach to dismantling the barriers. For instance, survivors of color who may not be comfortable going to the police because we do not want to be traumatized again.” —Fifth-year undergraduate, gender not specified, University of Alberta