There are many different beliefs when it comes to sex and sexuality. In a recent Student Health 101 survey, almost 70 percent of the more than 400 respondents said the definition of sex, as it pertains to sexual activity, varies from person to person. Exploring what physical acts you believe are sex can help you make decisions based on your values. Communicating about your views is an essential part of having healthy sexual experiences.
Ideas about sex are influenced by many factors—family, friends, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, values, culture, media, and experiences—and can change throughout your life. Choosing whether or not to be sexually active may be influenced by these same factors, and sometimes this decision and definitions of sex are intertwined.
Jessica M., a junior at St. John Fisher College in Rochester, New York, says her definition of sex was influenced by what she learned growing up and talking with friends. Casey R.*, a senior at Southern New Hampshire University in Manchester, feels that views about gender and sexual identity can influence people’s definitions of sex, noting that many people view it through a traditional, heterosexual lens.
Reflecting on the factors that have affected your beliefs can help you refine them and get comfortable communicating about them.
Below are some questions to ask yourself:
The ability to communicate your beliefs, intentions, and boundaries is critical to having healthy, consensual sexual experiences—now and in the future. Dr. Alex McKay, research coordinator for the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada in Toronto, Ontario, suggests, “Setting out your own plan—even if that means you decide you’re not ready for sex—will help you to clarify your values and priorities about sex and relationships.”
In addition to considering how you’ve developed your views, it can be useful to ask yourself about specific activities. Thinking about sex in this very detailed way may help illuminate what you believe.
In the recent Student Health 101 survey, 20 activities were listed and respondents were asked, “Which of the following do you consider ‘sex’? Choose all that apply.” The answers varied widely, with about 5 percent of the respondents believing that open-mouth kissing is sex, nearly 20 percent defining masturbation and touching someone else under clothes or naked as sex, and almost 95 percent saying sex is vaginal penetration with a penis. Some people think of sex as any activity involving the potential for a sexually transmitted infection.
Given the wide variety of views, conversations about sex are important—especially if you plan to be sexually active with someone. Cory Silverberg, a sex educator in New York City and author of What Makes a Baby, suggests, “Taking the time and risk to share your definition of sex, including where that definition came from, enhances communication.”
In the recent Student Health 101 survey, nearly 60 percent of respondents said they talk with sexual partners about their definitions of sex. But recent research published in the Journal of College Student Development indicates that students may prefer to communicate in ways that are indirect, nonverbal, or a bit ambiguous—possibly due to embarrassment or concerns about rejection.
Albert R., a senior at Colgate University in Hamilton, New York, says, “More communication can reduce the chance of sexual activity without consent. I think this is valuable in terms of “hookup” culture, too.” Here are some suggestions from students about having a comfortable conversation:
Whether you choose to be sexually active or not, thinking about what sex means to you can foster communication, respect, and healthy decisions—just like considering your feelings and views on anything would. As one respondent to the Student Health 101 survey noted, “It’s just a part of life.”
* Name changed for privacy.
Alice is a sessional instructor at the University of Guelph-Humber in Ontario and a sexual health educator.
Here are more questions to consider as you explore your values and definitions about sex.
There are no right or wrong answers.
In a recent Student Health 101 survey, students were asked, “Which of the following do you consider ‘sex’? Choose all that apply.” Here’s what they said:
Benjamin R., a senior at Oklahoma City University, suggests creating a trusting and safe environment when talking about sex. How? Here are ideas from students around the country:
Safer Sex
Another component of these types of conversations is talking about safer sex. Here are some pointers:
Handling Road Blocks
Talking about sex makes some people embarrassed or very uncomfortable. And some don’t want to talk about it at all. What will you do if your partner is unwilling to talk about it? Here are some considerations:
Resources
Many schools have health educators and counselors that can help you practice talking about sex and answer any questions you may have. Contact your campus health or counseling center, women’s center, or GLBTQ outreach program.
You can also find a sexual health educator through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
