No blurred lines

Clarifying consent

By Leila Yoder, Jennifer Hughes, and the communication and consent educators at Yale University

Consent: What does it even mean?

At an early age, we learn the ability to discern agreement and refusal—like in preschool, when you noticed that touching Jamie's hair made Jamie pull away, even before your teacher told you to ask permission before doing something with another person's body or property. Consent in marriage and other intimate relationships is about those same communication skills. It applies to any physical contact. Essentially, it's the same rule as always: Before you touch somebody's body or property, ask first. Many people

Affirmative consent

Affirmative consent means that physical interactions are held to the same standard as most other exchanges. Just as you can’t enter someone’s home or take someone’s stuff unless they’ve said it’s OK, you can’t engage in any form of sexual activity with someone unless they’ve said it’s OK. Consent is never implied and can never be assumed. It can be revoked at any time.

Why are there affirmative consent laws and policies?

The shift toward an alternative consent standard recognizes that the absence of a verbal "no" doesn't mean consent, just like not fighting back against a mugger doesn't mean your wallet was a gift to them. Affirmative consent requires a "yes". Romantic and sexual relationships are about mutuality. When

What we know

Consent is critical—and it's not complicated

We can tell when someone is agreeing enthusiastically or grudgingly, or refusing altogether. Our communicative skills work just as well in intimate situations. Unambiguous, positive responses are especially easy to affirm.

What if the cues you're getting indicate discomfort, lack of interest, or confusion?

• Stop, slow down, check in. Wait for the other person to make the next move. Take whatever signals you get very seriously.
• For any physical contact, hold out for situations in which there is genuine enthusiasm and mutual interest.
• Be wary of drunkenness. It’s not impossible to discern consent when you’ve been drinking, but it can skew your interpretations of someone else’s signals.

Alcohol, incapacitation, and consent 

• Despite the complications alcohol can present, some people consume it.
• “Incapacitation” means the inability to make informed, rational judgments. The use of alcohol and other drugs can be incapacitating.
• Incapacitated people cannot legally consent to intimate contact. A “yes” from an incapacitated person (verbal or otherwise) is not consent.
• You don't need alcohol or other drugs in order to express interest in someone. If you're grappling with this, consider discussing it with someone you trust.
• If someone is incapacitated, seek medical help immediately. Their health could be at risk.

What if they’re your instructor, boss, or student?

What we all need to know

• It’s possible to have consensual intimacy within a working relationship.
• But if one person has professional or academic authority over the other (e.g., if you supervise them, assess them, grade them, or pay them, or if they supervise, assess, grade, or pay you), an intimate relationship is usually unethical.
• At almost all colleges, sexual relationships between teachers and their students are forbidden.
• If you’re sure that someone you have professional or academic authority over (or who has professional or academic authority over you) is your true love, wait until the working relationship has ended.

What if they (or you) are underage?

What we know

• Many people choose to hold off on sexual activity until they are in a truly committed relationship, especially marriage. They can still enjoy emotional intimacy. Anyone who is considering or engaging in sexual activity should be aware of the legal and ethical issues relating to age.
• Every jurisdiction has an age of consent, which is the minimum age for legal, consensual sexual activity. Any sex with someone under that age is illegal. In most of the US, the age of consent is 16, 17, or 18.
• Communication is the key to consent. People of different ages or backgrounds may have different cultural references.
• Check the age of consent in your state

What if this is harassment?

Harassment is persistently bothering or threatening people and interfering with their ability to live their lives.

Repeatedly directing sexual attention to someone who has not consented to it (e.g., pestering them for sex or a date, repeatedly calling or texting them with sexual solicitations or insults, sending unsolicited nude pictures) is harassment.

This is never consensual and it’s never OK.

If you or someone you know is experiencing harassment, reach out for help. Your school's Title IX Coordinator can offer you support and point you toward other resources.

What if this is stalking?

Stalking is focusing attention on a person or group in a threatening or fear-inducing way.

This is never consensual and it’s never OK.

If you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, reach out for help. Your school's Title IX Coordinator can offer you support and point you toward other resources.

What if this is coercion?

Coercion is making someone fear negative consequences if they don’t do what you want.

Note: You might worry that a person won’t like you if you don’t have sex with them. This is not in itself coercion: People are entitled not to like you. It becomes coercive if a person indicates that there will be negative consequences if you don’t have sex.

If you or someone you know is experiencing coercion, reach out for help. Your school's Title IX Coordinator can offer you support and point you toward other resources.

What if they look sexy?

Check your assumptions.
Appearance is no indication of availability for sex.

Sexual aggressors use their victims’ appearance in an attempt to justify their aggression. This is never OK.

What if they have a reputation?

Check your assumptions. Previous choices are no indication of availability for sex. In any case, rumors are often false, and may be spread and used by sexual aggressors.

Sexual aggressors use their victims’ sexual histories in an attempt to justify their aggression. This is never OK.

What if they work in the sex industry?

Check your assumptions. No type of work, including any role relating to the sex industry, indicates availability for sex.

No matter what someone does for a living, no one has the right to have sex with them without their consent.

What we know about disability & consent

• No one is obligated to disclose a disability to a partner, friend, or acquaintance, ever.
• However, if you or your partner has a disability that affects how you move, feel, or communicate, it’s helpful to discuss your needs.
• To be sure everyone is comfortable, you both need to be able to communicate at all times. This could be by speech, writing, sign language, or an augmented communication device. If one of you has trouble speaking, agree on signals for “yes” and “no.”
• If you have any questions or concerns, ask and answer explicitly.